Trying to keep my smile on my face.

I have a lot of beautiful people in my life. People who love me, like me, make me happy. People who give a shit about me as much as I do them. I have people who check in on me, people I can rely on and who's shoulders would be there for my tears. I have people in life who I immediately want to call or text or visit whenever the slightest bit of good news comes my way because I know they'll be happy for me. I also love to hear their own triumphs and successes and I will always be willing to lend them my ears or embrace them in snuggles and comfort when they are pained and I'm more than down for bringing the comforts of chocolate, coffee, whiskey or maybe a good smoothie their way. These are my friends and loved ones these are people I cherish.  People who don't just use me and toss me away when I no longer serve a purpose.  I took a long, twisted road full of pot holes to get me to my current place in life. I have loved those who couldn't love me, I gave to those who didn't deserve my time I tried to see the good in those who were emotional vampires and went through a lot of internal debates and a lot of conversations with friends that were peppered with phrases like "what the fuck is *insert asshole name here* problem" or me defending them despite the rage and sadness they kept inflicting on me. After letting people into my life over and over and over after I tried in vain to evict them I finally and successfully got rid of the people who seem to hurt me.
I am happy. I have low moments and ugly ones and it's ok because I'm happy they are easy to deal with because I am overall content.
It's beyond important to me to recognize that I am lucky and blessed. It is important for me to know I've come a very long way and to know I will always be a work in progress. I need those I love to know I love them. I need to remind myself that yes shit happens and struggles come my way but I've already dealt with a lot and came through the storm mostly intact and I can do it over and over if I have to.
I ask anyone reading this to please remember your importance to me, and your importance to others to remember you are loved and to remember to love yourself. To remember you serve a purpose in this world.
Be aware of your flaws, but know you are so much more than them. Love, love as much as you can in whatever capacity you can. 
Be gentle to yourself and to other people you encounter.
I've had a funky last couple of weeks, there was some good, there was some bad, weird, and the energy I keep being surrounded by seems quite confused in conflict so I write all of this in hopes maybe I can bring myself back into balance and as a reminder that I know I'm loved and more importantly I can love.

Many awkwardly long hugs and sloppy cheek kisses to each of you.

My promise to my future child

I am 30 years old and for as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom. Right now at this very moment I am far from ready to bring a life into this world I am not stable financially or emotionally but I know one day I will be. I see so many gorgeous baby photos posted on Facebook and so many happy mommies and daddies on a regular basis and I feel warm and happy for the new parents, they glow with love and it's beautiful and I cannot wait until someone places the squishy, wrinkly, big eyed and bright red, freshly bathed newborn into my arms. To touch it's little hand and kiss it's little cheeks.  I cannot wait for that precious baby to see me for the first time, to me that's the start of a really big and wonderful adventure and I am excited to know it can be in my future. Nothing to me is as exciting as the idea of motherhood I knew from a very young age I wanted to be a mom and now I know I will one day be a pretty damn good one.

On a much sadder and darker note I  have over time read many stories of childern not being accepted for who they are by the very people who raised them and when I read such things I literally feel a stiff pain in my chest because I can't quite feel just sadness or anger but instead this horrible combination of  both and it's a feeling that sticks in my chest and makes me want to scream. Your child is trans, your child is gay, your child is not your perfect little ideal you concocted in your head and it scares you?  It worries you, what will the neighbors say? What will your church say? Why do those other people matter? Your child is their own living breathing soul and you can't handle it? How sad.

I was lucky. My parents loved me unconditionally, I also am very privileged because I was born in the body I am comfortable with. I am both physically and psychologically female, even a fairly  traditional girlie female at that. Society accepts me as much as they can which is so much more than some of my fellow humans and there is where my heart breaks because I know not everyone is lucky like me. I know not everyone won the genetic roulette and got good parents and the body that matches their mind and soul.
I refuse to be my future child's bully.
Right now I want to make a few promises to a child I have yet to meet. I want to promise them that I will love them no matter their sexuality, I will love them no matter their sex, I will love them even if one day they come to me and say "Hey mom I know you raised me as a girl/boy but I really feel I am actually a boy/girl" I will love them if they bring home a boyfriend one week and a girlfriend the next, I will love them if they like to cross dress, I will love them if they have no sexual desire and do not want a mate, I will love them if they don't want their own kids, I will love them if they are religious or not, I will love them no matter what and more importantly I will let them know I love them for whoever they are, however they are. This will be a child who raised knowing they are accepted,  a child who will receive all the compassion and understanding I can offer because all childern deserve a mother who will not abandon them or disown them or beret them. All childern deserve unconditional love. I promise you future little one that the moment I know you are mine you will be loved.