Trying to keep my smile on my face.

I have a lot of beautiful people in my life. People who love me, like me, make me happy. People who give a shit about me as much as I do them. I have people who check in on me, people I can rely on and who's shoulders would be there for my tears. I have people in life who I immediately want to call or text or visit whenever the slightest bit of good news comes my way because I know they'll be happy for me. I also love to hear their own triumphs and successes and I will always be willing to lend them my ears or embrace them in snuggles and comfort when they are pained and I'm more than down for bringing the comforts of chocolate, coffee, whiskey or maybe a good smoothie their way. These are my friends and loved ones these are people I cherish.  People who don't just use me and toss me away when I no longer serve a purpose.  I took a long, twisted road full of pot holes to get me to my current place in life. I have loved those who couldn't love me, I gave to those who didn't deserve my time I tried to see the good in those who were emotional vampires and went through a lot of internal debates and a lot of conversations with friends that were peppered with phrases like "what the fuck is *insert asshole name here* problem" or me defending them despite the rage and sadness they kept inflicting on me. After letting people into my life over and over and over after I tried in vain to evict them I finally and successfully got rid of the people who seem to hurt me.
I am happy. I have low moments and ugly ones and it's ok because I'm happy they are easy to deal with because I am overall content.
It's beyond important to me to recognize that I am lucky and blessed. It is important for me to know I've come a very long way and to know I will always be a work in progress. I need those I love to know I love them. I need to remind myself that yes shit happens and struggles come my way but I've already dealt with a lot and came through the storm mostly intact and I can do it over and over if I have to.
I ask anyone reading this to please remember your importance to me, and your importance to others to remember you are loved and to remember to love yourself. To remember you serve a purpose in this world.
Be aware of your flaws, but know you are so much more than them. Love, love as much as you can in whatever capacity you can. 
Be gentle to yourself and to other people you encounter.
I've had a funky last couple of weeks, there was some good, there was some bad, weird, and the energy I keep being surrounded by seems quite confused in conflict so I write all of this in hopes maybe I can bring myself back into balance and as a reminder that I know I'm loved and more importantly I can love.

Many awkwardly long hugs and sloppy cheek kisses to each of you.

My promise to my future child

I am 30 years old and for as long as I can remember I wanted to be a mom. Right now at this very moment I am far from ready to bring a life into this world I am not stable financially or emotionally but I know one day I will be. I see so many gorgeous baby photos posted on Facebook and so many happy mommies and daddies on a regular basis and I feel warm and happy for the new parents, they glow with love and it's beautiful and I cannot wait until someone places the squishy, wrinkly, big eyed and bright red, freshly bathed newborn into my arms. To touch it's little hand and kiss it's little cheeks.  I cannot wait for that precious baby to see me for the first time, to me that's the start of a really big and wonderful adventure and I am excited to know it can be in my future. Nothing to me is as exciting as the idea of motherhood I knew from a very young age I wanted to be a mom and now I know I will one day be a pretty damn good one.

On a much sadder and darker note I  have over time read many stories of childern not being accepted for who they are by the very people who raised them and when I read such things I literally feel a stiff pain in my chest because I can't quite feel just sadness or anger but instead this horrible combination of  both and it's a feeling that sticks in my chest and makes me want to scream. Your child is trans, your child is gay, your child is not your perfect little ideal you concocted in your head and it scares you?  It worries you, what will the neighbors say? What will your church say? Why do those other people matter? Your child is their own living breathing soul and you can't handle it? How sad.

I was lucky. My parents loved me unconditionally, I also am very privileged because I was born in the body I am comfortable with. I am both physically and psychologically female, even a fairly  traditional girlie female at that. Society accepts me as much as they can which is so much more than some of my fellow humans and there is where my heart breaks because I know not everyone is lucky like me. I know not everyone won the genetic roulette and got good parents and the body that matches their mind and soul.
I refuse to be my future child's bully.
Right now I want to make a few promises to a child I have yet to meet. I want to promise them that I will love them no matter their sexuality, I will love them no matter their sex, I will love them even if one day they come to me and say "Hey mom I know you raised me as a girl/boy but I really feel I am actually a boy/girl" I will love them if they bring home a boyfriend one week and a girlfriend the next, I will love them if they like to cross dress, I will love them if they have no sexual desire and do not want a mate, I will love them if they don't want their own kids, I will love them if they are religious or not, I will love them no matter what and more importantly I will let them know I love them for whoever they are, however they are. This will be a child who raised knowing they are accepted,  a child who will receive all the compassion and understanding I can offer because all childern deserve a mother who will not abandon them or disown them or beret them. All childern deserve unconditional love. I promise you future little one that the moment I know you are mine you will be loved.

In 2014 (written Dec 31st 2014)

My year was a beautiful success. I made new friends and got closer to some old friends. I gained and I lost people in my life all for the better but sadly I did lose a good neighbor and kind hearted man to the otherside.
I had friends who had babies, friends who got engaged and friends who walked down the aisle this year and I'm so happy for their love and major life moments :)
I did some light traveling and saw two ladies who I never see nearly enough. And I'm so happy to spend time with them even if it's too quick. In January for my beautiful Erica's birthday we got to go on a ghost tour of  Portland which made my desire to live there reach a new level of excitement (Im a sucker for history of cities) During the spring and summer I spent time staring at the ocean and keeping my feet in the sand, I feel so small and insignificant when I stare at the Pacific Ocean and that feeling is such a wonderful one. And after a few bad attempts I spent a great day on the beach with my two best friends. A day I will always cherish as one of the highlights of my year.
I got to be play dress up in 2014. I rocked a mustache and as close to men's attire as I could for my birthday party,  I got to wear a dress done in the style from the Italian Renaissance the day after my birthday, and before that I dressed as Batgirl, I rocked a tutu 3 different times, I had drawn on kitty whiskers, goofed off as Harley Quinn for Halloween and I wore more dresses,skirts and costumes this year then ever before and the  amount of glitter I wore could have sparkled up many strip clubs. I got happily drunk and miserably drunk. I flirted with many handsome gentlemen this year and may have kissed a few cute frogs as well. I danced. Oh how I danced. I surrounded myself with music, books, magic and laughter. I met two men I idol worshiped since I was very little and got pictures with them. I got to see Maya Rudolph live! I got to listen to Carey Elwes speak live this was the year of my childhood revisited in so many ways.
I've experienced so much in the last 365 days. I entered a new decade in my life but I exited my 20s in such a great way. I am over joyed and so excited to see where 2015 takes me.

20 things I learned in my 20s (written 12-10-14)

1. I learned to fall madly in love with my naked body. As a teen and young adult I had a lot of insecurities but by the time I reached 26 I was ok with my skin. I learned to appreciate my curves and bumps and scars and weird skin blemishes. I learned to look into my mirror with no clothing on and love it. It's my body. I still have some problems sometimes but I will never hate my body again.
2. I learned I will sometimes wake up despising every thing but it doesn't last and it's ok sometimes to be unhappy. Being unhappy happens it's important to recognize the unhappiness and to change it.
3. Losing friends doesn't mean those people cease to be important they just aren't part of your present.
4. I deserve to be loved, so does every one else.
5. I really really really really love food. having to consistently cook and grocery shop for myself made me appreciate my parents so much more for putting food on the table when I was younger.
6. Going to work hungover isn't wise but sometimes the night before is worth it
7. sometimes the night before isn't worth it.
8. I use to slut shame myself which is odd because I wouldn't call myself a slut regardless of the magic number but shaming myself for anything I've done sexually is just silly...shaming myself for anything is silly.
9. Nothing makes me feel sexier than making a hot man laugh.
10. I learned how to do things on my own like eat dinner in a sit down restaurant, pay my taxes and get my loan out of default.  I learned how to be independent.
11. I have had to live on ramen between checks and I am a better person for it.
12.  I learned I hate 1st dates more than job interviews or going to the dentist.
13. I have danced liked no one is watching and I have done so a lot :) I've realized even in the most crowded of spaces no one cares how you dance so long as you're dancing.
14. I still need my momma and daddy for momma and daddy reasons
15. I don't have to talk to people just because they want to talk to me.
16. I can appreciate the little things much easier.
17. I have learned to extract the assholes from my life (for the most part I can do this)
18. Being embarrassed is such a waste of energy
19. I will always harbor a crush on someone it's inevitable and fun and sometimes embarrassing but I will always have one.
20. I am a work in progress, from my first breath til my last.

My broken funny bone (written 8-14)

Its odd to me to suddenly think about the fact that the majority of my friends now days have no clue as to how deeply and fully obsessed I use to be about comedy. I don't mean that I was funny or that I even truly felt like I could do comedy but that I was just obsessed with the whole thing of it... all of it from Greeks to Shakespeare to Comedy Central stand up specials...gross out humor, British humor, and subtle and bizarre humor... It however runs deeper than a love of stand up and funny movies and silly sketches...it was a love of history and stories comics told about what inspired them, their struggles and triumphs...history of various comedy clubs or performers the picketing of the comedy store in LA , it was knowing roots and owning comedy albums not just because they are hilarious but because of their overall historical value.
I've always considered myself a closeted theatre kid but by all means my two favorite plays of all time are Lysistrata and the Importance of Being Earnest, two very funny stories from very different eras that to this day still leave me with sore sides from laughter and I don't just enjoy them at face value but because I enjoy them I looked deeper into Greek theatre history and into Oscar Wilde's life...it didn't make the plays any more or less funny but it certainly made me more entertained.
 I could not quote you a famous comics famous piece but I can tell you who Mike Nicoles and Elane May are and why they are important, I can list you a great deal of people who were alums at Second City or The Groundlings and give you brief history on both schools and why they have their namess... I can tell you that all kinds of useless things on comedy and I just wonder when did I lose my spark for it? I use to love it so much it would ooze out of my pours it was my geekdom and I hate to think I grew out of it because I don't think I did I think I just became quiet due to insecurities that I'm not comfortable with and I truly truly miss that part of me. The part that squeals when one of the Pythons does something (anything really...just hearing Eric Idle speak makes me smile) the part that cried because people like David Brenner and George Carlin passed away in her lifetime and I had to immediately share some of their work with people I knew upon hearing then news. The kind that has to show someone a funny song or bit and the part that could watch stand up comedy or documentaries on comics for hours at a time.
I love to laugh, that is no secret and I only surround myself with witty and sarcastic people its not that I look for them I just draw them in or am drawn in by them. I however do miss my geekdom. I am often associated as a fan of things like Batman but no one knows how little I actually know about the Dark Knight in comparison to this much broader field of interest.
Its time I listen to my albums and embrace the girl I was because she was much more happy in what she liked than the girl I currently am. Time to reembrace the absurd and silly beyond the scope of the internet and back to the roots of comedy.

Real Women

I have in the past posted about the "real women have curves" battle cry and why it upset me (and I have curves and fat and I am no more or less real than my size 2 sisters). It upset me obviously due to the fact that it's still body shaming an entire other group of women out there, the implication of the statement is if you lack curves you aren't real, womanly or desirable. "no one wants to cuddle a stick". BULLSHIT. I am re addressing this "real women" issue once more because I am still angry over a few things.
1. Do not define what it means to be a woman to another person who identifies as a woman. If you say you're a woman you are a woman and you're as real as me and anyone else. I don't understand why it's so fucking complicated.
2. Real Women are not defined by the size of their hips,  breasts or back sides,  by their choice in clothes, hair styles or their career paths, or by their lovers lack of lovers or whether they want to become mom's or are moms, whether they gave birth or not, whether they have a set female reproductive organs or not (and having them removed for medical purposes doesn't mean you are any less of a woman)
3. A real woman doesn't have to have a soft voice,  she doesn't have to present as a traditional ideal she Is however she chooses to be.
4. Being a woman means I use female pronouns when discussing you, nothing more or less at a basic and simplistic level, the rest is details important to the individual but are not the only definition of a female reality and your individual idea of womanhood does not apply to the entire gender.

ALL WOMEN ARE REAL WOMEN.

Caney

Today "Throwback Thursday so Caney's face book page posted one of the camp group shots and I saw so many faces I knew, and missed. I felt like it was time to take that trip down memory lane.
Some of you who know me knew me from Caney, knew me from Louisiana or knew my family or are my family. You know all about the lake, the cabins, bible study, small groups, after glow, how flippnig hot it could get, KP duty, all those camp songs and lost name tags. Then there are those of you who have no idea about this part of my life, you might have heard me mention it in passing but for something so life  defining as Caney Lake was to me you might not know much detail. Even though I wouldn't consider myself a spiritual person Caney was my sacred space as a teenager. It is a Christian summer camp and though I am not a Christian, I definitely felt God's presence there on more than one occasion. I grew up on that piece of land.
 Its not uncommon for me to spare a thought for those summers of my past. Its hot outside here in Oregon (where I have lived since I was 17). Its bright and beautiful and I wouldn't mind going to a lake right now and relaxing in the water, May was always the month I would start packing and getting ready for Caney because it was usually the end of my school year and my parents would drive from New Mexico to Texas, meet up with my grandparents then they would take my brother and me to Louisiana where we would spend the entire Summer.
My very first memory of Caney was when I was a little girl (I do mean little) and there was some reason my family was on the camp grounds but I remember falling down in the parking lot and crying...I would end up crying a lot on those grounds for good and bad reasons.
Later when I was six my parents ran the camp for a year and I lived there and tried to stay out of their way during camp season. I would sit in the dining room a lot and draw and bug whoever wanted to come talk to me.
When I was old enough for Precamp a few couple years later I can recall my mother filling out the registration but not really knowing what was going on. I didn't even realize I was going to camp at first.
My grandparents took over the camp after my parents stint and ran Caney during all my experiences as a camper. My grandfather was a retired Methodist preacher, he had directed a few camps in the past and now ran the place along with my grandmother who ran the kitchen. While at camp they were not my grandparents they were Ms Evelyn (or Mama E, which I never called her) and Brother T. To be honest I always called my grandmother grandma even as a camper, it seemed weird to call her anything else. I don't remember much about that first year experience except that I really sucked at four square and I never did get better at it.
I went every year of my life until I was 15 and the bonus of it was that I lived with my grandparents while my camps weren't in session and when other camps went on I would help out and earn money. From ages 9-14 I would run the canteen, help clean up in the kitchen and do prep and a lot of times if I wasn't working I would wander around the camp grounds. I met a lot of wonderful people during those times and developed my customer service skills which are something I still have to use today.
In the spring of 2000, when I was 15 a tornado had hit Caney and wiped out a lot of trees changing how the property looked, it did enough damage to have camp cancelled that summer. I went to visit my family and help my grandparents. It was my laziest summer in Louisiana and probably most boring. My brother didn't come with me and it was my first year out there without him, the following year I had summer school and the year after that I moved to Oregon. I wouldn't return to Caney until I was 18 and a high school graduate and by that time I was no longer a camper and just a worker. It had all changed. I feel like more of my life had been spent as a camper than there actually was because it had such an affect on me. I don't often think about it because that seemed like another life entirely but it will always be in me regardless of whether I think about it.

The things I will likely remember for a few more decades:

As a Camper:
Smooth and Creamy...
Skit Night
Crying during the sketch that featured Total Eclipse of the Heart (the very first time I saw it) and feeling awkward because I had thought the counselor who played the Devil was cute...and still did afterwards haha.
The swim tests
Crying my eyes out on Thursday nights at camp but after leaving the rec hall after the last worship service, I would forget about it because everyone was determined to stay up really late and cause the last bit of ruckus before going home in the morning.
Old Lady Caney stories
How it feels to have had shaving cream in my eyes, ears, nose and mouth...gross
Cabin 7 had a spider problem
Being Robin to Meg Moore's Batman
James and Jeff as life guards and I am old school enough to remember Craig Watts ;)
The songs I fully intend to teach my children complete with hand moves. (Both Froggie songs, It Happened on a Sunday, Grey Squirrel and maybe if I am masochistic enough the Birdie Song...though I can see myself annoying any future kid of mine with that)
I miss Spaghetti Night like you wouldn't believe.
Ms Annie's tea that could break your teeth it was so sweet
Playing cards with Claire outside during our free time.
Being privy to the Sunday night Counselor meetings before camp.
Looking forward to seeing Erin Engle and Jesse Grier for the first time every summer because they were there every year.
Running down the road because Meg finally arrived at camp and giving her a giant hug.
Wondering why Tina Grigsby was never my camp counselor (though she was my small group leader)
Having my cousin Leslie as my small group leader, Green Group!!, and never really doing the assignment (called you out on that just now...)
The lake smell




As a worker:
Being the only young girl on the pay roll until the very last summer I worked there
My cousin Leslie putting less egg in the brownies despite our Grandmother not wanting him to mess with them...best brownies ever. (and yes I called you out again)
Chicken Night dishes
Knowing the lemonade contained no lemon juice
Sticking my feet into the empty ice chest in the canteen because it was so flipping warm outside
The window of the canteen getting broken from an over zealous camper
Thinking that going to work at 7am was really early (oh how times have changed in my world)
Burning myself while making rice krispie treats
Scrubbing potatoes...so many potatoes.
My grandmother's insane way of giving work directions (We know I love the woman, I love her and miss her dearly but anyone who has been her employee can not argue with me on this)
How I hated cleaning the Rec Hall back then and how I would love to be able to do it again now...


"Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time"



(I had to do it...)