Caney

Today "Throwback Thursday so Caney's face book page posted one of the camp group shots and I saw so many faces I knew, and missed. I felt like it was time to take that trip down memory lane.
Some of you who know me knew me from Caney, knew me from Louisiana or knew my family or are my family. You know all about the lake, the cabins, bible study, small groups, after glow, how flippnig hot it could get, KP duty, all those camp songs and lost name tags. Then there are those of you who have no idea about this part of my life, you might have heard me mention it in passing but for something so life  defining as Caney Lake was to me you might not know much detail. Even though I wouldn't consider myself a spiritual person Caney was my sacred space as a teenager. It is a Christian summer camp and though I am not a Christian, I definitely felt God's presence there on more than one occasion. I grew up on that piece of land.
 Its not uncommon for me to spare a thought for those summers of my past. Its hot outside here in Oregon (where I have lived since I was 17). Its bright and beautiful and I wouldn't mind going to a lake right now and relaxing in the water, May was always the month I would start packing and getting ready for Caney because it was usually the end of my school year and my parents would drive from New Mexico to Texas, meet up with my grandparents then they would take my brother and me to Louisiana where we would spend the entire Summer.
My very first memory of Caney was when I was a little girl (I do mean little) and there was some reason my family was on the camp grounds but I remember falling down in the parking lot and crying...I would end up crying a lot on those grounds for good and bad reasons.
Later when I was six my parents ran the camp for a year and I lived there and tried to stay out of their way during camp season. I would sit in the dining room a lot and draw and bug whoever wanted to come talk to me.
When I was old enough for Precamp a few couple years later I can recall my mother filling out the registration but not really knowing what was going on. I didn't even realize I was going to camp at first.
My grandparents took over the camp after my parents stint and ran Caney during all my experiences as a camper. My grandfather was a retired Methodist preacher, he had directed a few camps in the past and now ran the place along with my grandmother who ran the kitchen. While at camp they were not my grandparents they were Ms Evelyn (or Mama E, which I never called her) and Brother T. To be honest I always called my grandmother grandma even as a camper, it seemed weird to call her anything else. I don't remember much about that first year experience except that I really sucked at four square and I never did get better at it.
I went every year of my life until I was 15 and the bonus of it was that I lived with my grandparents while my camps weren't in session and when other camps went on I would help out and earn money. From ages 9-14 I would run the canteen, help clean up in the kitchen and do prep and a lot of times if I wasn't working I would wander around the camp grounds. I met a lot of wonderful people during those times and developed my customer service skills which are something I still have to use today.
In the spring of 2000, when I was 15 a tornado had hit Caney and wiped out a lot of trees changing how the property looked, it did enough damage to have camp cancelled that summer. I went to visit my family and help my grandparents. It was my laziest summer in Louisiana and probably most boring. My brother didn't come with me and it was my first year out there without him, the following year I had summer school and the year after that I moved to Oregon. I wouldn't return to Caney until I was 18 and a high school graduate and by that time I was no longer a camper and just a worker. It had all changed. I feel like more of my life had been spent as a camper than there actually was because it had such an affect on me. I don't often think about it because that seemed like another life entirely but it will always be in me regardless of whether I think about it.

The things I will likely remember for a few more decades:

As a Camper:
Smooth and Creamy...
Skit Night
Crying during the sketch that featured Total Eclipse of the Heart (the very first time I saw it) and feeling awkward because I had thought the counselor who played the Devil was cute...and still did afterwards haha.
The swim tests
Crying my eyes out on Thursday nights at camp but after leaving the rec hall after the last worship service, I would forget about it because everyone was determined to stay up really late and cause the last bit of ruckus before going home in the morning.
Old Lady Caney stories
How it feels to have had shaving cream in my eyes, ears, nose and mouth...gross
Cabin 7 had a spider problem
Being Robin to Meg Moore's Batman
James and Jeff as life guards and I am old school enough to remember Craig Watts ;)
The songs I fully intend to teach my children complete with hand moves. (Both Froggie songs, It Happened on a Sunday, Grey Squirrel and maybe if I am masochistic enough the Birdie Song...though I can see myself annoying any future kid of mine with that)
I miss Spaghetti Night like you wouldn't believe.
Ms Annie's tea that could break your teeth it was so sweet
Playing cards with Claire outside during our free time.
Being privy to the Sunday night Counselor meetings before camp.
Looking forward to seeing Erin Engle and Jesse Grier for the first time every summer because they were there every year.
Running down the road because Meg finally arrived at camp and giving her a giant hug.
Wondering why Tina Grigsby was never my camp counselor (though she was my small group leader)
Having my cousin Leslie as my small group leader, Green Group!!, and never really doing the assignment (called you out on that just now...)
The lake smell




As a worker:
Being the only young girl on the pay roll until the very last summer I worked there
My cousin Leslie putting less egg in the brownies despite our Grandmother not wanting him to mess with them...best brownies ever. (and yes I called you out again)
Chicken Night dishes
Knowing the lemonade contained no lemon juice
Sticking my feet into the empty ice chest in the canteen because it was so flipping warm outside
The window of the canteen getting broken from an over zealous camper
Thinking that going to work at 7am was really early (oh how times have changed in my world)
Burning myself while making rice krispie treats
Scrubbing potatoes...so many potatoes.
My grandmother's insane way of giving work directions (We know I love the woman, I love her and miss her dearly but anyone who has been her employee can not argue with me on this)
How I hated cleaning the Rec Hall back then and how I would love to be able to do it again now...


"Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time"



(I had to do it...)

If I Were Completely Honest in Dating Profiles

It is no secret among my friends that I have both a Plenty of Fish and an OkCupid profile. There is no shame in this nor do I feel the need to defend it but I will say I have learned quite a bit about myself through the process of online dating and this includes what I am willing to share with the public world. The thing that cracks me up the most is that in the so called real world of dating, the in person type...you only know the tidbits about a person to start with (Assuming you didn't saunter up to them in a bar or coffee shop based on first sight). You might know where they work, how they look, maybe a friend hooked you up with someone and told that person a few little chosen facts they find important about you but then you date and you see their eyes light up as they speak of their favorite movie, or tv show. You feel a connection when you realize you both love dry martinis or bad kung fu movies, you connect...or on the flip side disconnect because that's reality and sometimes you sit across a stranger on a date and are underwhelmed but you learned about that person face to face... in the world outside of the digital confinements we aren't fit into neat little "About you" boxes. I know that I personally never put in anything on any site (even the wonderful world of  face book though I know I often over share on  face book...its a safer place than dating sites) that isn't a slightly better version of who I am...that isn't well thought out or calculated. Now I am not saying that people don't put their best face forward on the first few dates no matter how they got them nor am I saying we aren't the better version of ourselves upon meeting people but I am saying that in order to hook someone online you sometimes need a specific type of profile. For example I learned the less I wrote, the more pictures I featured the more responses I got...if I got too lengthy in my about me section and had 3 pics no one took the bait. Could just be me...I will never know for sure but it seemed a bit strange to me regardless of why it happened.
So this is me being honest here. To those who know me personally you know I am not cool...while simultaneously being pretty fucking awesome but you also see more than just my glamour selfie shots that I carefully took, you see the pics of me from Halloween covered in blood, you see me making terrible expressions with my best friends, you see pictures of things I find exciting in my every day world which have included but aren't limited to, lady bugs, dead snakes, and random flowers. And in person you hear my terrible jokes, my crazy laughter, have seen a few of my little fandoms blossom and know that I have never quite found a way to control my hair.
I will never be completely truthful in my dating profiles...not totally dishonest but I will never show who I really am right at first because that's an honor reserved for those willing to take the time to get to know me as a person but for the sake of this I am going to put out in the world what I would say if I was going to be completely myself and honest in a dating profile. Completely. Totally. Me. So those who in theory message me about my eyes, my hair, my so-called creative personality would also know a few not so pretty things about myself too. In theory. I can't quite put this out there because frankly its about to get long winded...which is a personality trait of mine most of you know and to those who don't...you should know. This is also for all of those face book friends I have who may not know much about me either...

in no order

1. I cry easy. I fucking cry so so easy. Example...I watched Kill Bill Vol 2 the other night...tears...all down my face...no joke. Cried. I would blame hormones but I have been this kind of girl since I was a kid. Its weird but it happens. I've learned to suppress it
2. I hate it when people say they like all music but...but Country or Rap or whatever. No. I will not tolerate people who qualify that statement. You cannot convince me it is okay to hate any genre of music ever because its all so connected and blended and I am about to rant here so I won't but DO NOT SAY THIS TO ME.
3. I love spiders. Fact. IF you smoosh them in front of me I will not like it. Catch and release unless you know with all certainty that that spider is deadly
4. I am loud...I am a bit obnoxious but it happens
5. I will defend flag burning, but not book burning. 
6. I am a liberal and agnostic but I don't expect or desire every one else to be.
7. I am stubborn as a mule in my opinions and views but if you approach me nicely and logically I will hear you out on issues and sometimes my opinions can be changed. I don't like admitting any of that.
8. Arrogant/smug atheists piss me off. Not due to not believing in God because I don't care about that but because I don't like when any one thinks they're right when there is no guaranteed way of knowing. Science nor Religion have all the answers and I find that beautiful as oppose to scary. I don't like when people close their minds off regardless of faith or lack there of. I am aware that a bit of this sounds close minded on my part but its why I said Arrogant/smug atheists and not just atheists. I don't tolerate arrogance in general.
9. I believe in a God...but he isn't necessarily a he, or an it or anything more than the energy in us and around us...the universe...the force...whatever...but I call it God.
10. I have dated two people that had they knocked me up I wouldn't have carried it to term...that tells you a lot more about my dating history than I care to admit but its true.
11. If you want me to completely freak out lock me in a small room
12. I am a typical American woman...I have a lot of random body issues. I have overcome a lot of them but some still sneak up and cause insecurities that I hate more than the body part causing them. I have a tummy that is close to a gut, it has little white stretch marks on it from when I gained weight really fast at one point...I have fair skin so stretch marks are a bit more obvious. I have thighs that only recently have I decided I didn't hate...don't like them, we will never be friends but I don't hate them. And you will never convince me that I have a good butt. I don't. I really don't like it.
13. HOWEVER I do love my boobs after many years of not, I really love them...they're kind of pretty and I like my feet when my toe nails are painted. I like my legs, not so much my ankles but eh. But I have good calves for a chubby girl. And I love my face. Yup. I love my face which to me is more important than my body.
14. I legitimately like long walks on the beach
15. I do not like pina coladas or getting caught in the rain though. yuck to both.
16. I hate rats to the point of being scared of them...not pet rats but wild rats. fuck no.
17. I talk too much...oh so so much.
18. you will never win the Superman vs Batman debate with me if you choose Superman. give up now because even if you want to point out the atrocity that was Batman and Robin (And I am well aware of that its a valid low point of Batman...Superman 3...just sayin.)
19. I have currently had a crush on Jimmy Fallon for more years than not...and I have two posters with him...they aren't hanging up, at one point in my life they were but they aren't. This is to say I have long running celebrity crushes. Its not insane or even open but its there. I will see a movie if certain actors are in it. it happens...
20. I want things too much. When I think I want something I invest way too much into getting it, including finding myself delusional about outcomes. This is true with a variety of things in my life. I just find myself too invested sometimes in things that are probably not that big of a deal.
21. Music and movie snobbery...snobbery of any art for that manner is a huge huge turn off. I like a lot of things some I admit I wish everyone loved as much as me and some I know can be silly of me to be in love with but I can't stand when people feel like their taste in things is above any others for any reason. You don't know why some song strikes a chord in someone you don't know why an artist moves someone the way they do if you don't like it that's fine but don't act superior for it.
22. All I want is someone who can make me smile, laugh and puts up with my shit. Someone who is willing to be a partner in crime, a friend as well as a lover. Someone who is nice. Someone with things in common but not too many. That's it. Simple. I would prefer if he didn't creep me out as well.

The end. The honest to god long winded truth of it all.