Music

I am not a musician. I can barely sing, I barely understand basic music theory (the kind they teach you in your first ever music class, chances are it was in elementary school and you learn what the means and basic terminology). I attempted to learn the guitar in high school and I was in choir off and on from the time I was 12 until I was 18 but I never really found passion in it. I loved being on stage I loved the post performance rush and all the build up leading up to a performance. I found similar passion in theater but never enough to drive me far enough to truly pursue any of it. It wasn't until recently that I realized I get the same giddy feelings in my stomach, same excitement same energy levels that I got before a school play or recital as I do before I go to a concert I am stoked on. Major difference is when I go to a show I don't also have that weird mixture of nausea and the lack of an appetite (well some shows I have had that feeling but when you're about to come face to face with someone you have a wild crush on its hard not to feel sickly green and that your brain cells have seeped out of your head but that's another thing entirely)  also another major difference is now I am sometimes paying good hard earned money for those feelings. I could go into how my concert experiences are a lot like a drug addiction but I feel like that is too obvious.

I love live music. I live for it. I want to surround myself by talented people with beautiful raw souls who get on that stage with the intention of rocking your world. In those few precious hours I have spent in front of a stage watching a drummer sweat, a guitarist thrash or a lead singer give you her heart I have found my personal peace. Peace within the confinements of a bar or venue so loud I can't hear my own thoughts. I find that moment where I don't think about my bills or the guy who broke up with me or all the bullshit that seems to surround you as you become an adult. I don't think about anything really. Some people do yoga and meditate to clear their brains, some people go to therapists to talk out their troubles, hell some people write songs  and sure I do some of those things myself but nothing makes me as happy as being in a crowd, getting sweaty, singing along and screaming and clapping until I am literally in pain sometimes. Nothing gives me the same joy as being outside a venue and discussing with my best friend the possibilities of meeting a musician we admire. Nothing makes me happier than seeing a band with humble beginnings get a bigger and bigger audience with each show they perform and the egotistical self serving part of me loves that sometimes I can turn people onto a band I love which makes me extra happy, that I somehow am responsible for creating a new fan. I love sharing these experiences with others.

I have been in large auditoriums, I have been in cramped bars, I have seen bands no one outside of my circle of people know of and bands everyone knows. I have felt myself wanting to cry when seeing a rock star I have admired in person, I have cried when hearing songs live for various reasons.  I have temporarily lost my hearing, my voice and my sanity.

Music is my life. It doesn't mean I play anything, doesn't mean I possess any talent but I can say in all honesty it is my life.

EDIT: This was written in August 2013 and published according to the above date. I didn't alter it from its original form except for this message but my thoughs and feelings remain the same.

Real Women....have...real women...uh...

SO time to admit some things that are pretty obvious to anyone who has known me for a while, at my absolute fattest, (largest, heaviest, biggest...fuck it I was fat) I was a size 18 a very tight snug 18 almost size 20 on a 5'5 frame with about 200lbs in extra Seanna chub. I had a very round face and was rather unhealthy. I am emphasizing the word UNHEALTHY. I am not going to fat shame myself or say that my weight at that moment in my life defined me but it was unhealthy and brought on by unhealthy thoughts and situations.  When I got out of those mindsets and situations I dropped down to my smallest (smaller then I was in high school a feat I have not accomplished since 2010) I got down to a size 8. Single digit. I had a visible collarbone, a kicky short hair cut to show my not so round face off, I had (still do) killer legs and holy crap my boobs got small. I was still a curvy broad with lots of extra squeezable parts but I was much healthier. I would have done me. I loved it.  I have since basically stayed somewhere around a size 10-14 up and down depending on the clothes but its been consistent. I no longer find myself speeding toward the 200lb range again and I feel healthier now days then back then. Why is this being brought up? I have no regrets for my body changing back and forth I am content with how I look now, I don't really think about the way I use to look because off all the things that went on at that time my weight wasn't really the main issue. But I bring this up because my entire life I have been a chubby girl. I remember my mom telling me (to I guess motivate me to remain healthy) when I lost my weight I had an hourglass figure, she knew how much  I loved the vintage pin up girls from the 30s through the 60s. You know, girls with tits, hips and maybe a soft belly. Mostly I loved them because they were insanely cute, flirtatious and I have a serious love for those clothes. BUT being told I had a similiar figure made me happy. People have a thing for those ladies and why not? They are adorable.
I am not a girl who goes to the gym to get that muscle definition, I am always going to be soft, I am not the girl who does marathons, or enjoys work outs and protein shakes. I am not a waif who can come off delicate or pixie like, I am a chunk mostly. I have to wear a bra damn it. I admit I would love to be the tiny delicate girl with barely there boobs and a long frame made for modeling, they are interesting to look at and maybe due to my frame/figure I am just curious about clothes shopping in that body. But I'm not that girl. 
I am who I am. 
One of my biggest pet peeves though is that in the current society as we chubby, fatties, big girls, plus sized ladies, make progress to prove we are indeed gorgeous, indeed sexy, do care for our health, do work hard to be pretty and prove we have worth among our thin and fit sisters, we also find the weird battle cry that "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES" well...all bodies have curvature, even men's bodies...but it means real women have something in their bras to hold up, they have hips for child bearing, they have that hour glass shape or they have asses,....curves. I actually find that insanely annoying to think that that's what constructs a woman. A woman's body doesn't define her and that's what that statement seems to say. I get that we are tired of body shaming those who don't have the perfect model/actress bodies, that we don't all look like startlets and sex kittens but to body shame those girls who were born thin, to tell those ladies they look like 12 year old boys, or they look unhealthy or anorexic...that's no better than them calling you a fat ass. No better at all. The implication is they aren't a real woman because they don't fit a certain shape. It's wrong. Why are we shaming them? Are we turning tables to make ourselves look better? Why can't we all just admit women do not all fit the same molds. Some of us are short, tall, fat, curvy, thin, some of us work out, some of us are cool with our soft middles, some of us buy boobs, or pushup bras which are cheaper than implants, some of us have flat weird asses (Me, that's me, I hate my butt), but we are women. We should not be defined by our dress size, ever. We should embrace who we are, whoever we are, we should  not define what it is to be a woman based on how we decide to define ourselves.

-Seanna

Self involved.

Over the past few days I have had to relearn that sometimes its ok to be selfish. Its ok to put yourself first and to seek out what YOU need. I often times feel guilty when I make a choice I know will have consequences for others, when I know I am inevitably making someone else's life harder so I might ease up on my own anxieties. I feel bad even when I know I shouldn't.  I was raised to be a people pleaser, its part of why I do well in customer service positions. This isn't a bad thing but one cannot put others needs before their own so much it hurts them.
I recently made a choice that would in some light be called selfish and yes I feel guilty though I shouldn't.  I am having to tell myself what I did benefits me and I shouldn't worry after all it is my life not someone elses. I am learning or I should say relearning to put my needs first and to find my happiness. If I am happy I am more likely to try and make others happy.

The First entry...or more or less a rant on the current situation

I have decided that it was due time for me to actually get one of this flipping blog thingies so I would spend less time whining to the people on Facebook who are good enough and kind enough to humor me with their likes and occasional comments but there is no sense in me blowing up other peoples feeds when I have much more to say than is polite on Facebook, also twitter is limited and for those with ADD...I love my twitter but it was made for my generation's short attention span.

SO this is the infamous first entry and now that I am here I feel pressure to actually say something. 

Well...here we go. I am currently throat deep in job applications, my head hurts from answering the same 20+ questions over and over, I am not where I am suppose to be at all. The light I had at the end of my metaphorical tunnel, that light I am suppose to be basking in is nowhere where it should be...the tunnel has grown longer and I have many many more steps to take before I reach my destination, much more to do than I thought and I'm reeling. I am heartbroken right now. I am short tempered and don't like that my life has not turned out the way I wanted. Sure I am going to cry baby a little bit, I am 28 years old (and currently abusing comma usage on a blog) I am not where I am suppose to be but am constantly reminded that the only person who is responsible for me is, well me. I am my own hero my own Knight, my own rescuer and the reminder has been coming to me more and more, its as if there is a bright flashing neon sign saying "YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY DUMBASS" but I keep ignoring it and I keep finding excuses. I keep trying to get others to come aboard and help me and through no fault of there own for one reason or another plans fall apart which happens, and the real fucking ass kicker is I am overly blessed with people's support and love and optimism. I have so many great people wanting to see me succeed and are happy for me at any given point so long as I am happy (which is fine since I am usually right there with the noise makers and confetti for any of my friends accomplishments...not literally, but I can guarantee a friendly pat on the back or a nice text) Anyway I feel like I am being told to grow the hell up and grow a pair. 

I need an adventure, I need change. I really need a change. I need a big change. I feel like one is coming and I should just suck it up and do what I've been wanting to do for months. I know what I need to do, you reading this are probably thinking "Well do it damn it" and the whole thing makes me freaked out. I am one of those boring responsible adults who listens, nods, pays her bills chooses to go to bed in a timely manner instead of going to a party, who has cancelled plans so I could go to work not tired, regretted cancelling as soon as I saw the facebook pictures...its time I live a little, its time pop the zit, close the door, say goodbye, take control, and take that really deep breath and make the leap.

So here's how I am going to leave this...I went on a little Portland adventure back in June. I felt at home, that is no secret. I felt connected to my surroundings I felt comfortable and free. It wasn't some huge thing but to me it meant EVERYTHING. I spend too much of my time being comfortable so to get out of that zone for a little bit was liberating. I adopted the song "Alive" by Krewella because the lyrics kind of made sense for me and that adventure, however I have this tendency to keep songs associated with things and in this case that song is my Portland song. When I hear it I think of how I felt then and there, how I felt like I could be on my own. Its no secret also that I am not really a fan of the EDM scene not like a good chunk of my dear sweet friends but I do enjoy my time in that world, I'm not not a fan per se its just not my scene. 

I currently having a conflict, Krewella is coming to Corvallis and I want to go, I feel like I need to go. They are kind of (prepare for cheeseball moment) a big part of my universe in a way right now, their song (though I like many) was what kept my head on straight leading up to my little adventure and helped ease me into normal life when I came back, it still is a reminder of what I can do.  The conflict is I don't know if I can afford their show or if I should but I also feel like this show is a representation that I should live for me. Its my life. If I have to struggle its okay I can struggle but I need to live life. I need the stories and the moments, I need to look back in 30 years and smile. SO I guess it isn't a conflict I guess this is oddly a great representation what and where I need to be. I need to live for the little moments.

I am pretty sure none of this made sense to anyone but me. Oh well fuck it.

-Seanna