I have decided that it was due time for me to actually get one of this flipping blog thingies so I would spend less time whining to the people on Facebook who are good enough and kind enough to humor me with their likes and occasional comments but there is no sense in me blowing up other peoples feeds when I have much more to say than is polite on Facebook, also twitter is limited and for those with ADD...I love my twitter but it was made for my generation's short attention span.
SO this is the infamous first entry and now that I am here I feel pressure to actually say something.
Well...here we go. I am currently throat deep in job applications, my head hurts from answering the same 20+ questions over and over, I am not where I am suppose to be at all. The light I had at the end of my metaphorical tunnel, that light I am suppose to be basking in is nowhere where it should be...the tunnel has grown longer and I have many many more steps to take before I reach my destination, much more to do than I thought and I'm reeling. I am heartbroken right now. I am short tempered and don't like that my life has not turned out the way I wanted. Sure I am going to cry baby a little bit, I am 28 years old (and currently abusing comma usage on a blog) I am not where I am suppose to be but am constantly reminded that the only person who is responsible for me is, well me. I am my own hero my own Knight, my own rescuer and the reminder has been coming to me more and more, its as if there is a bright flashing neon sign saying "YOU ARE THE MASTER OF YOUR OWN DESTINY DUMBASS" but I keep ignoring it and I keep finding excuses. I keep trying to get others to come aboard and help me and through no fault of there own for one reason or another plans fall apart which happens, and the real fucking ass kicker is I am overly blessed with people's support and love and optimism. I have so many great people wanting to see me succeed and are happy for me at any given point so long as I am happy (which is fine since I am usually right there with the noise makers and confetti for any of my friends accomplishments...not literally, but I can guarantee a friendly pat on the back or a nice text) Anyway I feel like I am being told to grow the hell up and grow a pair.
I need an adventure, I need change. I really need a change. I need a big change. I feel like one is coming and I should just suck it up and do what I've been wanting to do for months. I know what I need to do, you reading this are probably thinking "Well do it damn it" and the whole thing makes me freaked out. I am one of those boring responsible adults who listens, nods, pays her bills chooses to go to bed in a timely manner instead of going to a party, who has cancelled plans so I could go to work not tired, regretted cancelling as soon as I saw the facebook pictures...its time I live a little, its time pop the zit, close the door, say goodbye, take control, and take that really deep breath and make the leap.
So here's how I am going to leave this...I went on a little Portland adventure back in June. I felt at home, that is no secret. I felt connected to my surroundings I felt comfortable and free. It wasn't some huge thing but to me it meant EVERYTHING. I spend too much of my time being comfortable so to get out of that zone for a little bit was liberating. I adopted the song "Alive" by Krewella because the lyrics kind of made sense for me and that adventure, however I have this tendency to keep songs associated with things and in this case that song is my Portland song. When I hear it I think of how I felt then and there, how I felt like I could be on my own. Its no secret also that I am not really a fan of the EDM scene not like a good chunk of my dear sweet friends but I do enjoy my time in that world, I'm not not a fan per se its just not my scene.
I currently having a conflict, Krewella is coming to Corvallis and I want to go, I feel like I need to go. They are kind of (prepare for cheeseball moment) a big part of my universe in a way right now, their song (though I like many) was what kept my head on straight leading up to my little adventure and helped ease me into normal life when I came back, it still is a reminder of what I can do. The conflict is I don't know if I can afford their show or if I should but I also feel like this show is a representation that I should live for me. Its my life. If I have to struggle its okay I can struggle but I need to live life. I need the stories and the moments, I need to look back in 30 years and smile. SO I guess it isn't a conflict I guess this is oddly a great representation what and where I need to be. I need to live for the little moments.
I am pretty sure none of this made sense to anyone but me. Oh well fuck it.
Move to Louisiana. I know of a bedroom you can rent on the cheap. :)
ReplyDeleteLol that would make my parents so sad, they worked so hard to get out of there 20 years ago lol. I would also gain like 100 lbs because I would full on take advantage of southern food.
ReplyDeleteGo to Krewella - stop buying Starbucks and put the money in a jar you'll be able to afford 10 tickets ;D
ReplyDeleteI actually spent less than 2 dollars on coffee at starbucks because I get iced coffee not fancy crap lol.
ReplyDeleteI am going to Krewella. I am also cutting back on lots of expenses :)
Move to Florida. :D Come oooooooon. I'm here. That's reason enough :D
ReplyDeleteYou are the only thing Florida has going for it. That state is full of idiots.
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