In 2014 (written Dec 31st 2014)

My year was a beautiful success. I made new friends and got closer to some old friends. I gained and I lost people in my life all for the better but sadly I did lose a good neighbor and kind hearted man to the otherside.
I had friends who had babies, friends who got engaged and friends who walked down the aisle this year and I'm so happy for their love and major life moments :)
I did some light traveling and saw two ladies who I never see nearly enough. And I'm so happy to spend time with them even if it's too quick. In January for my beautiful Erica's birthday we got to go on a ghost tour of  Portland which made my desire to live there reach a new level of excitement (Im a sucker for history of cities) During the spring and summer I spent time staring at the ocean and keeping my feet in the sand, I feel so small and insignificant when I stare at the Pacific Ocean and that feeling is such a wonderful one. And after a few bad attempts I spent a great day on the beach with my two best friends. A day I will always cherish as one of the highlights of my year.
I got to be play dress up in 2014. I rocked a mustache and as close to men's attire as I could for my birthday party,  I got to wear a dress done in the style from the Italian Renaissance the day after my birthday, and before that I dressed as Batgirl, I rocked a tutu 3 different times, I had drawn on kitty whiskers, goofed off as Harley Quinn for Halloween and I wore more dresses,skirts and costumes this year then ever before and the  amount of glitter I wore could have sparkled up many strip clubs. I got happily drunk and miserably drunk. I flirted with many handsome gentlemen this year and may have kissed a few cute frogs as well. I danced. Oh how I danced. I surrounded myself with music, books, magic and laughter. I met two men I idol worshiped since I was very little and got pictures with them. I got to see Maya Rudolph live! I got to listen to Carey Elwes speak live this was the year of my childhood revisited in so many ways.
I've experienced so much in the last 365 days. I entered a new decade in my life but I exited my 20s in such a great way. I am over joyed and so excited to see where 2015 takes me.

20 things I learned in my 20s (written 12-10-14)

1. I learned to fall madly in love with my naked body. As a teen and young adult I had a lot of insecurities but by the time I reached 26 I was ok with my skin. I learned to appreciate my curves and bumps and scars and weird skin blemishes. I learned to look into my mirror with no clothing on and love it. It's my body. I still have some problems sometimes but I will never hate my body again.
2. I learned I will sometimes wake up despising every thing but it doesn't last and it's ok sometimes to be unhappy. Being unhappy happens it's important to recognize the unhappiness and to change it.
3. Losing friends doesn't mean those people cease to be important they just aren't part of your present.
4. I deserve to be loved, so does every one else.
5. I really really really really love food. having to consistently cook and grocery shop for myself made me appreciate my parents so much more for putting food on the table when I was younger.
6. Going to work hungover isn't wise but sometimes the night before is worth it
7. sometimes the night before isn't worth it.
8. I use to slut shame myself which is odd because I wouldn't call myself a slut regardless of the magic number but shaming myself for anything I've done sexually is just silly...shaming myself for anything is silly.
9. Nothing makes me feel sexier than making a hot man laugh.
10. I learned how to do things on my own like eat dinner in a sit down restaurant, pay my taxes and get my loan out of default.  I learned how to be independent.
11. I have had to live on ramen between checks and I am a better person for it.
12.  I learned I hate 1st dates more than job interviews or going to the dentist.
13. I have danced liked no one is watching and I have done so a lot :) I've realized even in the most crowded of spaces no one cares how you dance so long as you're dancing.
14. I still need my momma and daddy for momma and daddy reasons
15. I don't have to talk to people just because they want to talk to me.
16. I can appreciate the little things much easier.
17. I have learned to extract the assholes from my life (for the most part I can do this)
18. Being embarrassed is such a waste of energy
19. I will always harbor a crush on someone it's inevitable and fun and sometimes embarrassing but I will always have one.
20. I am a work in progress, from my first breath til my last.

My broken funny bone (written 8-14)

Its odd to me to suddenly think about the fact that the majority of my friends now days have no clue as to how deeply and fully obsessed I use to be about comedy. I don't mean that I was funny or that I even truly felt like I could do comedy but that I was just obsessed with the whole thing of it... all of it from Greeks to Shakespeare to Comedy Central stand up specials...gross out humor, British humor, and subtle and bizarre humor... It however runs deeper than a love of stand up and funny movies and silly sketches...it was a love of history and stories comics told about what inspired them, their struggles and triumphs...history of various comedy clubs or performers the picketing of the comedy store in LA , it was knowing roots and owning comedy albums not just because they are hilarious but because of their overall historical value.
I've always considered myself a closeted theatre kid but by all means my two favorite plays of all time are Lysistrata and the Importance of Being Earnest, two very funny stories from very different eras that to this day still leave me with sore sides from laughter and I don't just enjoy them at face value but because I enjoy them I looked deeper into Greek theatre history and into Oscar Wilde's life...it didn't make the plays any more or less funny but it certainly made me more entertained.
 I could not quote you a famous comics famous piece but I can tell you who Mike Nicoles and Elane May are and why they are important, I can list you a great deal of people who were alums at Second City or The Groundlings and give you brief history on both schools and why they have their namess... I can tell you that all kinds of useless things on comedy and I just wonder when did I lose my spark for it? I use to love it so much it would ooze out of my pours it was my geekdom and I hate to think I grew out of it because I don't think I did I think I just became quiet due to insecurities that I'm not comfortable with and I truly truly miss that part of me. The part that squeals when one of the Pythons does something (anything really...just hearing Eric Idle speak makes me smile) the part that cried because people like David Brenner and George Carlin passed away in her lifetime and I had to immediately share some of their work with people I knew upon hearing then news. The kind that has to show someone a funny song or bit and the part that could watch stand up comedy or documentaries on comics for hours at a time.
I love to laugh, that is no secret and I only surround myself with witty and sarcastic people its not that I look for them I just draw them in or am drawn in by them. I however do miss my geekdom. I am often associated as a fan of things like Batman but no one knows how little I actually know about the Dark Knight in comparison to this much broader field of interest.
Its time I listen to my albums and embrace the girl I was because she was much more happy in what she liked than the girl I currently am. Time to reembrace the absurd and silly beyond the scope of the internet and back to the roots of comedy.

Real Women

I have in the past posted about the "real women have curves" battle cry and why it upset me (and I have curves and fat and I am no more or less real than my size 2 sisters). It upset me obviously due to the fact that it's still body shaming an entire other group of women out there, the implication of the statement is if you lack curves you aren't real, womanly or desirable. "no one wants to cuddle a stick". BULLSHIT. I am re addressing this "real women" issue once more because I am still angry over a few things.
1. Do not define what it means to be a woman to another person who identifies as a woman. If you say you're a woman you are a woman and you're as real as me and anyone else. I don't understand why it's so fucking complicated.
2. Real Women are not defined by the size of their hips,  breasts or back sides,  by their choice in clothes, hair styles or their career paths, or by their lovers lack of lovers or whether they want to become mom's or are moms, whether they gave birth or not, whether they have a set female reproductive organs or not (and having them removed for medical purposes doesn't mean you are any less of a woman)
3. A real woman doesn't have to have a soft voice,  she doesn't have to present as a traditional ideal she Is however she chooses to be.
4. Being a woman means I use female pronouns when discussing you, nothing more or less at a basic and simplistic level, the rest is details important to the individual but are not the only definition of a female reality and your individual idea of womanhood does not apply to the entire gender.

ALL WOMEN ARE REAL WOMEN.

Caney

Today "Throwback Thursday so Caney's face book page posted one of the camp group shots and I saw so many faces I knew, and missed. I felt like it was time to take that trip down memory lane.
Some of you who know me knew me from Caney, knew me from Louisiana or knew my family or are my family. You know all about the lake, the cabins, bible study, small groups, after glow, how flippnig hot it could get, KP duty, all those camp songs and lost name tags. Then there are those of you who have no idea about this part of my life, you might have heard me mention it in passing but for something so life  defining as Caney Lake was to me you might not know much detail. Even though I wouldn't consider myself a spiritual person Caney was my sacred space as a teenager. It is a Christian summer camp and though I am not a Christian, I definitely felt God's presence there on more than one occasion. I grew up on that piece of land.
 Its not uncommon for me to spare a thought for those summers of my past. Its hot outside here in Oregon (where I have lived since I was 17). Its bright and beautiful and I wouldn't mind going to a lake right now and relaxing in the water, May was always the month I would start packing and getting ready for Caney because it was usually the end of my school year and my parents would drive from New Mexico to Texas, meet up with my grandparents then they would take my brother and me to Louisiana where we would spend the entire Summer.
My very first memory of Caney was when I was a little girl (I do mean little) and there was some reason my family was on the camp grounds but I remember falling down in the parking lot and crying...I would end up crying a lot on those grounds for good and bad reasons.
Later when I was six my parents ran the camp for a year and I lived there and tried to stay out of their way during camp season. I would sit in the dining room a lot and draw and bug whoever wanted to come talk to me.
When I was old enough for Precamp a few couple years later I can recall my mother filling out the registration but not really knowing what was going on. I didn't even realize I was going to camp at first.
My grandparents took over the camp after my parents stint and ran Caney during all my experiences as a camper. My grandfather was a retired Methodist preacher, he had directed a few camps in the past and now ran the place along with my grandmother who ran the kitchen. While at camp they were not my grandparents they were Ms Evelyn (or Mama E, which I never called her) and Brother T. To be honest I always called my grandmother grandma even as a camper, it seemed weird to call her anything else. I don't remember much about that first year experience except that I really sucked at four square and I never did get better at it.
I went every year of my life until I was 15 and the bonus of it was that I lived with my grandparents while my camps weren't in session and when other camps went on I would help out and earn money. From ages 9-14 I would run the canteen, help clean up in the kitchen and do prep and a lot of times if I wasn't working I would wander around the camp grounds. I met a lot of wonderful people during those times and developed my customer service skills which are something I still have to use today.
In the spring of 2000, when I was 15 a tornado had hit Caney and wiped out a lot of trees changing how the property looked, it did enough damage to have camp cancelled that summer. I went to visit my family and help my grandparents. It was my laziest summer in Louisiana and probably most boring. My brother didn't come with me and it was my first year out there without him, the following year I had summer school and the year after that I moved to Oregon. I wouldn't return to Caney until I was 18 and a high school graduate and by that time I was no longer a camper and just a worker. It had all changed. I feel like more of my life had been spent as a camper than there actually was because it had such an affect on me. I don't often think about it because that seemed like another life entirely but it will always be in me regardless of whether I think about it.

The things I will likely remember for a few more decades:

As a Camper:
Smooth and Creamy...
Skit Night
Crying during the sketch that featured Total Eclipse of the Heart (the very first time I saw it) and feeling awkward because I had thought the counselor who played the Devil was cute...and still did afterwards haha.
The swim tests
Crying my eyes out on Thursday nights at camp but after leaving the rec hall after the last worship service, I would forget about it because everyone was determined to stay up really late and cause the last bit of ruckus before going home in the morning.
Old Lady Caney stories
How it feels to have had shaving cream in my eyes, ears, nose and mouth...gross
Cabin 7 had a spider problem
Being Robin to Meg Moore's Batman
James and Jeff as life guards and I am old school enough to remember Craig Watts ;)
The songs I fully intend to teach my children complete with hand moves. (Both Froggie songs, It Happened on a Sunday, Grey Squirrel and maybe if I am masochistic enough the Birdie Song...though I can see myself annoying any future kid of mine with that)
I miss Spaghetti Night like you wouldn't believe.
Ms Annie's tea that could break your teeth it was so sweet
Playing cards with Claire outside during our free time.
Being privy to the Sunday night Counselor meetings before camp.
Looking forward to seeing Erin Engle and Jesse Grier for the first time every summer because they were there every year.
Running down the road because Meg finally arrived at camp and giving her a giant hug.
Wondering why Tina Grigsby was never my camp counselor (though she was my small group leader)
Having my cousin Leslie as my small group leader, Green Group!!, and never really doing the assignment (called you out on that just now...)
The lake smell




As a worker:
Being the only young girl on the pay roll until the very last summer I worked there
My cousin Leslie putting less egg in the brownies despite our Grandmother not wanting him to mess with them...best brownies ever. (and yes I called you out again)
Chicken Night dishes
Knowing the lemonade contained no lemon juice
Sticking my feet into the empty ice chest in the canteen because it was so flipping warm outside
The window of the canteen getting broken from an over zealous camper
Thinking that going to work at 7am was really early (oh how times have changed in my world)
Burning myself while making rice krispie treats
Scrubbing potatoes...so many potatoes.
My grandmother's insane way of giving work directions (We know I love the woman, I love her and miss her dearly but anyone who has been her employee can not argue with me on this)
How I hated cleaning the Rec Hall back then and how I would love to be able to do it again now...


"Your love is like a shadow on me all of the time"



(I had to do it...)

If I Were Completely Honest in Dating Profiles

It is no secret among my friends that I have both a Plenty of Fish and an OkCupid profile. There is no shame in this nor do I feel the need to defend it but I will say I have learned quite a bit about myself through the process of online dating and this includes what I am willing to share with the public world. The thing that cracks me up the most is that in the so called real world of dating, the in person type...you only know the tidbits about a person to start with (Assuming you didn't saunter up to them in a bar or coffee shop based on first sight). You might know where they work, how they look, maybe a friend hooked you up with someone and told that person a few little chosen facts they find important about you but then you date and you see their eyes light up as they speak of their favorite movie, or tv show. You feel a connection when you realize you both love dry martinis or bad kung fu movies, you connect...or on the flip side disconnect because that's reality and sometimes you sit across a stranger on a date and are underwhelmed but you learned about that person face to face... in the world outside of the digital confinements we aren't fit into neat little "About you" boxes. I know that I personally never put in anything on any site (even the wonderful world of  face book though I know I often over share on  face book...its a safer place than dating sites) that isn't a slightly better version of who I am...that isn't well thought out or calculated. Now I am not saying that people don't put their best face forward on the first few dates no matter how they got them nor am I saying we aren't the better version of ourselves upon meeting people but I am saying that in order to hook someone online you sometimes need a specific type of profile. For example I learned the less I wrote, the more pictures I featured the more responses I got...if I got too lengthy in my about me section and had 3 pics no one took the bait. Could just be me...I will never know for sure but it seemed a bit strange to me regardless of why it happened.
So this is me being honest here. To those who know me personally you know I am not cool...while simultaneously being pretty fucking awesome but you also see more than just my glamour selfie shots that I carefully took, you see the pics of me from Halloween covered in blood, you see me making terrible expressions with my best friends, you see pictures of things I find exciting in my every day world which have included but aren't limited to, lady bugs, dead snakes, and random flowers. And in person you hear my terrible jokes, my crazy laughter, have seen a few of my little fandoms blossom and know that I have never quite found a way to control my hair.
I will never be completely truthful in my dating profiles...not totally dishonest but I will never show who I really am right at first because that's an honor reserved for those willing to take the time to get to know me as a person but for the sake of this I am going to put out in the world what I would say if I was going to be completely myself and honest in a dating profile. Completely. Totally. Me. So those who in theory message me about my eyes, my hair, my so-called creative personality would also know a few not so pretty things about myself too. In theory. I can't quite put this out there because frankly its about to get long winded...which is a personality trait of mine most of you know and to those who don't...you should know. This is also for all of those face book friends I have who may not know much about me either...

in no order

1. I cry easy. I fucking cry so so easy. Example...I watched Kill Bill Vol 2 the other night...tears...all down my face...no joke. Cried. I would blame hormones but I have been this kind of girl since I was a kid. Its weird but it happens. I've learned to suppress it
2. I hate it when people say they like all music but...but Country or Rap or whatever. No. I will not tolerate people who qualify that statement. You cannot convince me it is okay to hate any genre of music ever because its all so connected and blended and I am about to rant here so I won't but DO NOT SAY THIS TO ME.
3. I love spiders. Fact. IF you smoosh them in front of me I will not like it. Catch and release unless you know with all certainty that that spider is deadly
4. I am loud...I am a bit obnoxious but it happens
5. I will defend flag burning, but not book burning. 
6. I am a liberal and agnostic but I don't expect or desire every one else to be.
7. I am stubborn as a mule in my opinions and views but if you approach me nicely and logically I will hear you out on issues and sometimes my opinions can be changed. I don't like admitting any of that.
8. Arrogant/smug atheists piss me off. Not due to not believing in God because I don't care about that but because I don't like when any one thinks they're right when there is no guaranteed way of knowing. Science nor Religion have all the answers and I find that beautiful as oppose to scary. I don't like when people close their minds off regardless of faith or lack there of. I am aware that a bit of this sounds close minded on my part but its why I said Arrogant/smug atheists and not just atheists. I don't tolerate arrogance in general.
9. I believe in a God...but he isn't necessarily a he, or an it or anything more than the energy in us and around us...the universe...the force...whatever...but I call it God.
10. I have dated two people that had they knocked me up I wouldn't have carried it to term...that tells you a lot more about my dating history than I care to admit but its true.
11. If you want me to completely freak out lock me in a small room
12. I am a typical American woman...I have a lot of random body issues. I have overcome a lot of them but some still sneak up and cause insecurities that I hate more than the body part causing them. I have a tummy that is close to a gut, it has little white stretch marks on it from when I gained weight really fast at one point...I have fair skin so stretch marks are a bit more obvious. I have thighs that only recently have I decided I didn't hate...don't like them, we will never be friends but I don't hate them. And you will never convince me that I have a good butt. I don't. I really don't like it.
13. HOWEVER I do love my boobs after many years of not, I really love them...they're kind of pretty and I like my feet when my toe nails are painted. I like my legs, not so much my ankles but eh. But I have good calves for a chubby girl. And I love my face. Yup. I love my face which to me is more important than my body.
14. I legitimately like long walks on the beach
15. I do not like pina coladas or getting caught in the rain though. yuck to both.
16. I hate rats to the point of being scared of them...not pet rats but wild rats. fuck no.
17. I talk too much...oh so so much.
18. you will never win the Superman vs Batman debate with me if you choose Superman. give up now because even if you want to point out the atrocity that was Batman and Robin (And I am well aware of that its a valid low point of Batman...Superman 3...just sayin.)
19. I have currently had a crush on Jimmy Fallon for more years than not...and I have two posters with him...they aren't hanging up, at one point in my life they were but they aren't. This is to say I have long running celebrity crushes. Its not insane or even open but its there. I will see a movie if certain actors are in it. it happens...
20. I want things too much. When I think I want something I invest way too much into getting it, including finding myself delusional about outcomes. This is true with a variety of things in my life. I just find myself too invested sometimes in things that are probably not that big of a deal.
21. Music and movie snobbery...snobbery of any art for that manner is a huge huge turn off. I like a lot of things some I admit I wish everyone loved as much as me and some I know can be silly of me to be in love with but I can't stand when people feel like their taste in things is above any others for any reason. You don't know why some song strikes a chord in someone you don't know why an artist moves someone the way they do if you don't like it that's fine but don't act superior for it.
22. All I want is someone who can make me smile, laugh and puts up with my shit. Someone who is willing to be a partner in crime, a friend as well as a lover. Someone who is nice. Someone with things in common but not too many. That's it. Simple. I would prefer if he didn't creep me out as well.

The end. The honest to god long winded truth of it all.

I Believe

I believe in a lot of things, several have connections to a spiritual being others are simply my own beliefs to keep me amused. A list of Seanna wisdom.

I believe:

In lipsyncing while you have head phones on even...especially...In public.

Complementing complete strangers

Taking a good look at the sky every day whether it's raining or the best weather ever.

Love, beautiful,  messy, childish, old, new, sentimental and silly love.

In expressing love whenever possible even if it's just getting excited over cheese pizza.

A good movie can change a persons life

A good concert is mind altering

Not all illegal drugs are bad but not all legal ones are good.

Not everything my elders told me was right. And not everything my peers tell me is acceptable.

All things in moderation, except fluffy kittens because an over dose of fluffy kittens is just cute.

Animals have souls

Some humans do not have souls.

No man is completely with out his worth

Book burning is a sin

hugging loved ones whenever the mood strikes.

Things don't always have a reason when they happen , sometimes shit just happens at random with no spiritual meaning or lesson and that's ok, take it for what it is and keep going.

Not everyone who tells you they love you means it but it's OK if you still love them.

It's perfectly ok to leave the house looking like a bag lady after a rough night. I have done it a lot and survived.

ants are amazing and bees are amazing and it's absolutely fascinating to watch the little guys work and I believe in taking the time to appreciate them.

Spiders are so misunderstood.

Cats and dogs are higher beings than humans, they seem to have shit figured out better.

Love will always conquer over evil in the end.

Ch-ch-ch-Changes

The hardest lesson I am still in the process of learning is how to let go. Sometimes at the expense of my own well being I have a death grip on things that are no longer serving any purpose in my life whether its material possessions, a job or a person (quite often its a person). The simple explaination is that I am no good with change. I am lazy and content in my ways, I like the comfort of familiarity even when with a little discomfort I could change my entire universe for the better.
When I get rid of material possessions such as books or clothes I do it with a heavy heart, maybe I will read that again or maybe I will lose weight or gain weight and regret getting rid of that ugly red sweater from high school. But when I do eventually give it all over to goodwill I never miss the ugly sweater or unread books...people are harder to get rid of.
We live in a day of social media giving us a false sense of friendship and security.  I often tell people I only facebook those I am willing to get a beer or coffee with, as in those I am willing to talk to if the opportunity arised (not so easy with some people but if circumstances were good I would)  those I have invested interest in. I am not totally honest. I can think of some people who I wouldn't be heartbroken if I never heard from them again who have total access to my facebook info. Theres also some people I don't care about anymore but feel obligated to keep because we are so threaded together through other people it would be a social faux pas to delete them.
Then theres the flip side,  people have me as a friend because...I don't know. They likely don't like me or care which is fine but just because we know each other through others, it doesn't make us friends or fake friends...we are nothing, we are an awkward head nod, or hug at a social gathering and really don't give a shit about the answer to "oh hey hows it going?''
These aren't bad people, I am not a bad person, we just simply aren't friends, we know each other...simple.
Getting over or past friendships with people who have become friends in name only is a very hard thing to deal with.  Detaching from those who maybe I loved at one point breaks my heart and yet...on occassion much like the ugly sweater, its time to say goodbye and move on and I probably won't miss them as much as I thought I was going to. Unlike the ugly sweater there's always the risk of confrontation and hurt feelings, and all those damn tagged photos triggering emotions.
I not only have a hard time with change I have a hard time with the reality that is some people do not like me as much as I like them and honestly who wants to put up with those people?